Flashes in Time
by ellanina17
Summary: In their youth, Joanna and Julian grappled with a relationship of secrecy and deception. Revelations from then and now tell their story.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of these characters. _**  
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**Julian**

There was the Joanna he knew as a teenager and the Joanna who just returned to his life after 17 years. The latter of the two was still lovely, graceful and smart. The only difference now was the slight curves of her youth had become the hourglass figure of a matured woman. When he first saw her the day of his sister Vivian's wake, it was like all the air had been sucked out of him. He knew that she would one day grow into a gorgeous woman, but the extent to which she had, was mind-blowing. To top it off, she was still irresistible in her adulthood. Besides her body, her wit and her spirit were still just as alluring. This is why he cherished the moment he was in then: her lying beside him in bed in the mansion, just like old times. Joanna's skin was warm against his as she rolled over slightly on to her side. Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled that earth-stopping smile.

"Good morning," she whispered.

"Good morning." He planted a soft kiss on the bridge of her nose. His hands slid down from her waist and over the arch of her back to rest firmly on her backside. She let out a satisfied hum as she pressed herself even closer against him and kissed him on his neck. His body reacted with renewed arousal that he was sure she felt; he could tell by her smirking face.

"You are so sexy," he said, pecking her on the lips. Her coy smile and the open-mouth kiss she gave in response, proved his words exactly.

**Joanna**

As teens, Julian's was notorious at school for being a playboy.

"My brother's such a manwhore," Vivian would say. "He's gross."

Joanna would nod and agree, all the while harboring a crush herself. It hadn't started that way though. For the longest time, she didn't really pay attention to Vivian's brother. In Junior High, Julian was still lanky, awkward- and subdued. He wasn't a mama's boy, but he loved his mother the way Vivian did. They both adored Katherine.

Maybe it was seeing his mom struggle with depression, but something changed when he hit his Senior Year of high school. Julian became something like a bad boy. Though Joanna didn't really find that aspect of him very attractive, she did find something appealing about the new confidence he exuded. Of course it also helped that he'd surpassed the awkward phase and developed into a hunk.

It killed Joanna to count herself among the legions of girls that had a crush on Julian because she became one of many. The only difference was she hid it very well. In fact, she went from talking to him casually to avoiding him pretty much at all costs. If they saw one another, it was usually by accident, and it would be so uncomfortable for Joanna that she kept their conversations short. Fortunately he didn't spend as much time at the mansion by that point, and when he did, he was busy with some girl.

It wasn't until another encounter that things changed. That afternoon was distinct in her mind.

"Hey Joanna," he said to her. She was coming down the hallway and had nowhere to run to. A deep blush permeated her face, just at the sight of him.

"Hey Julian."

She was getting ready to walk away when he said, "I was thinking we should study for Calc together some time."

Joanna was so caught off-guard that she couldn't speak. She still had nothing to say when he smiled at her.

_Study?_ she thought. Julian, despite his antics, somehow managed to get good grades. Perhaps it was the promise of a Ferrari Spider if he got A's and B's. It seemed backwards, but he'd always been naturally bright. He was also a grade ahead of her and really didn't need her study help.

"Uh," Joanna finally said. "Sure."

**Julian**

Julian always liked Joanna.

In his dorky, Junior High days, she was the one girl who stood out to him. She was beautiful and smart. She was also his sister's best friend, so she was naturally kept at a distance. They were cordial though and he relished the moments he got to talk to her. Joanna only faded from his mind when family issues started. That was about the time that he just wanted to get away. He stayed out late, drank like a fish, and got a different group of friends. By that point, the girls started flocking in droves, and by Senior Year he had a reputation. Joanna stayed on his radar but he figured she probably despised him, due to that reputation. It didn't help that Vivian didn't exactly speak highly of him either.

Still, it was nice to occasionally see and talk to Joanna, even though it seemed like she ran for the hills whenever they crossed paths. This made him nervous but he managed to appear nonchalant the day he finally approached her. He asked her to study, which he really didn't plan on doing. He had great memory, was good with math, and preferred cramming. It was basically just an excuse to spend time with her.

He remembered her response vividly. "Uh, sure." Her voice sounded so apprehensive that he expected the worse to come of it. That didn't happen though. When they met to study in their family's huge dining room, there was an instant connection. She really was beauty and brains. The first thing she'd asked him was where would he go if he could go any place in the world. His random answer was Istanbul. Hers was Spain. She had dreams to travel and goals for herself that Julian found fascinating and refreshing.

"I think I could see myself being a lawyer one day," she said, "or maybe a cop."

Their conversations about dreams and goals continued. No studying went on. They also didn't make out, as part of him hoped for. Still, that day wasn't a disappointment at all. It established their relationship as friends and confidants.

**Joanna**

When Joanna and Julian became friends, things became tense on all fronts. For one, she still had a crush on him and he had other girls. When she found out about them, she would give him the silent treatment. They wouldn't have their little chats. She wasn't there for him to vent to about his frustrations with his parents. She wasn't there to listen to his fears or his successes. No, she punished him for seemingly not feeling the way she did. Later, she'd feel like crap when she saw him sitting around at home moping. Of course then they'd start talking again and he'd renew all of her feelings by saying, "thanks for talking to me Joanna, you're the best," or "talking to you is so natural," or the worst and most painful: "you'd be easy to fall for." But then Joanna would see him with a girl and the cycle would begin again.

The other problem was their friendship disrupted her relationship with Vivian. Vivian was possessive as a friend and couldn't see why Joanna wanted to be Julian's friend too.

"Ugh! You want to sleep with my brother too?" she said in an accusing voice.

"No," Joanna had said. She enjoyed Julian's company. While being easy on the eyes, he was also good to talk to, even if that talking was always sprinkled with flirtation.

**Julian**

Julian couldn't go any further than kissing with other girls. The closer he got to Joanna, the less and less other girls mattered. Eventually it just reached the point where they didn't matter at all. She was all he really wanted, but the idea of rejection terrified him. It didn't help that Vivian, more than ever, hated Julian for 'stealing' her friend. All of this took a turn, with the passing of their mother.

Vivian was a wreck after Katherine's death, so Julian tried to be strong for his sister. He wasn't too strong himself, but thank God they both had Joanna. She always had a kind word to say. "I know how it is to lose someone," she said to him while rubbing his back. It was only a few weeks after Katherine's death and it became the first time he held her hand. Joanna seemed surprised at first, but then locked her fingers even tighter in his. From then on, he was at home walking around with her hand in his. Hiding, of course, but doing every moment they could doing so.

Things just seemed to progress from there because the next week, after they had talked a while in his father's study, he stood up and kissed her on the lips. She seemed shocked again, but then her relaxed smile said it all. Vivian, of course, knew what was happening. She had an unusual intuition and knew about her friend's whereabouts.

His sister's initial disapproval, however, didn't make him fall any less.

**Joanna**

Joanna knew she was beyond a crush now. It just made her feel guilty that she was away from Vivian. Her friend had a way of being self-destructive and she couldn't keep an eye on her so much when she was busy kissing her brother.

Joanna's heart did get what it wanted though. The Bowers rooftop garden became she and Julian's little spot and they never seemed to be found by anyone while making out there. It only got weird when she one day found herself with her shirt off and his fingers beneath her bra. He had just finished pulling his shirt off when he whispered, "I want you," into her ear. Suddenly Joanna became aware of where they were: lying on a blanket on the ground, on the Bowers' roof. This wasn't how she pictured her first time. She pulled back from him and straightened out her bra.

"You okay?" he asked.

She just nodded and he let out a sigh. "I'm moving really fast," he said pulling her into his arms. "I'm sorry." He kissed her on her cheek. It was in moments like these where she really did feel like he cared about her. She did still have her moments of doubts, however.

"Are you trying to distract yourself from thinking about your mom?" she asked him. "I mean, is that what this is?" The beat of silence scared her a little, but then he finally answered.

"No, Joanna." He said as held her tighter. "Remember I told you were easy to fall for?"

**Joanna**

It was a little over a month later, the day after her birthday, that it happened. Julian gifted her with a gold cross necklace.

"I love it," she said. He came and sat next to her on her queen-sized bed and put it around her neck.

They were on summer break and by the noontime they were basically left alone in the mansion. This wasn't the best situation for hormonal teens, but no one besides Vivian knew about them.

"Thank you," Joanna told Julian, kissing him quickly on the lips.

"You're quite welcome."

They sat in silence for a moment and Julian's blue eyes seemed to just devour her. It was so intense that she started flushing and breathing hard without anything even happening. A deep kiss turned into them falling backwards on the bed, and before she knew it, she was lying down with him on top of her, in nothing but her bra and panties. As he finished undressing her, his hands delighted in her body the same way his eyes had earlier. He wasn't even undressed himself and was still in his black boxer briefs as he covered her in little licks and kisses.

"You're beautiful." He told her with a smile that flaunted the tiny creases in his cheeks that she'd grown to adore.

Joanna was trembling when he moved over her and settled in the cradle of her hips. "Are you OK?" he whispered.

She took a deep breath and nodded, feeling at ease in knowing that he cared about this being her first time. He brought his lips down on hers and the beauty of that moment blotted out any doubt that she'd fallen in love.

* * *

I tried to do a thorough edit but sorry for any residual typos.

_**A/N:** I tried to stay true to the show as it is, but their teenage years are pretty foggy, so I tried to fill in gaps in the story. If it's not a fact in the show, I just probably made it up. I really like the J/J pairing and hope the show stays on air long enough for it to grow more. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Julian**

Julian never thought his happiest moments would be so soon after his mother's death, but they were— because of Joanna.

Their new spot became the side of the estate furthest from their parents' rooms. Of course there was still Vivian's room, but she had taken to disappearing lately. He and Joanna spent hours there in his room just lying in each other's arms and soaking in the afternoons.

When they weren't doing this, they were trying not to get caught. Hiding from Joanna's mom, Beverly, became a science. They stole moments in hallways, corners, and empty rooms. At least once, they were almost discovered during a frenzied make out session in his dad's study, but they managed to feign actual studying to fool Beverly.

"My mom is going to find out soon," Joanna said as they laid in his bed wrapped up in each other. "I'm kind of scared of what might happen," she confessed.

Julian kissed her collarbone. "You're just paranoid," he said, playing with the hem of her tank top. "It'll be fine."

**Joanna**

The closer Joanna got to Julian, the worse things got with her best friend.

"Did you sleep with Julian?" Vivian asked.

"Wha," was the only word Joanna could formulate in response. Her entire face was aflame with embarrassment.

"C'mon, you have the I'm-not-a-virgin-anymore thing going on," Vivian said. She lit the cigarette between her fingers and took a drag. "And don't bother lying because you're bad at it."

Joanna folded her arms across her chest. This was the snarky Vivian she had to endure when the topic of her brother came up.

"It's none of your business, Vivian."

"Really?" Vivian asked, taking another drag from her cigarette. "Aren't we supposed be best friends?" She stood up beside her and flicked ashes into the lake.

"I don't have to tell you everything," Joanna said.

The afternoon sun shone on the hardened contours of Vivian's face and the silence between them only magnified the tension.

"I don't get it," she said forcefully. "It's not like he wants to date you. He sleeps with lots of girls without dating them."

Joanna could feel her skin itch with the anger starting inside her.

"All of that stuff he spouts about wanting to be a doctor and traveling the world . . ." Vivian rolled her eyes. "He can't even cope with mom's death." She flicked ashes again as her voice began to waver. "He's well on his way to being an alcoholic and a cheater, just like my father."

She tossed the cigarette out into the lake as she glared down at Joanna.

"I hope you two enjoy screwing."

**Julian**

The first drunken night Julian had since getting involved with Joanna proved to be one of the worst.

On a Saturday night, he staggered down the hall towards his room. It was 2 in the morning, but there was Joanna, strolling down the darkened hallway in lavender pajamas. At first she seemed happy to see him but the smile on her face disappeared as he came closer.

When he attempted to pull her in for a kiss, she instantly shoved him away.

"You're drunk," she said through a scowl. "You're drunk and you've got lipstick on your face."

She gave him a look that burned through every part of him before sauntering away. When he got to his room, he leaned against the door and breathed out a sigh, knowing he just made a huge mistake.

**Joanna**

Joanna found herself lying to her mother the day after the incident with Julian.

"What's wrong, baby?" her mom asked. Her eyes overflowed with concern as she sat on Joanna's bed.

"I'm fine, mom. I just finished watching a sappy movie." She laughed while sniffling. "Those tear-jerkers."

Her mother eyed her for a moment with a confused look and then patted her hand. "Get some rest, honey."

Unfortunately that didn't happen. She cried all night, and the tears didn't bring sleep. Instead she woke up the next day with baggy eyes and discontent written all over her face.

When Vivian saw Julian come through the front door that day, she rushed up to him and pushed him in the chest. "What did you do?" She yelled.

She and Joanna had just come back from the Bowers rooftop where Vivian immediately concluded that whatever was wrong with Joanna undoubtedly had to do with Julian. "Tell me what you did to her," she demanded.

Julian hadn't bothered to look Joanna in the eye. He just dropped his head and murmured, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Stay away from my friend," Vivian said, coming back to Joanna and dragging her off.

Ironically, it was Vivian who later in the day approached Joanna and told her that her brother wanted to talk. "He's pestered me since he saw us and I just want to get him off my back," her friend confessed. She was calm compared to earlier. "I told him that if he breaks your heart, I'm going to break his face."

Now Joanna was curious about what Julian said to his sister. Why all of sudden did she seem OK with everything? Joanna reluctantly agreed to this meeting and it was later in the gazebo outside the mansion that they saw one another.

"White roses?" she said with a frown. She immediately spotted the bouquet he had in his hand as he approached her sitting on the gazebo bench.

He was wearing tan Chinos and a white shirt under a navy sweater and looked handsome as ever. Joanna wondered what was the occasion, but guessed that this was his outfit for groveling. Unfortunately dressing like a gentleman wasn't going to automatically make him one.

He came closer to where she was sitting on a bench. "Look, I know you probably hate me right now, but would you please take them?"

Joanna reached out for the flowers and immediately sat them on the bench beside her. She folded her arms across her chest and stared at him, hoping he felt the weight of her eyes. When he told her things like she was all he cared about and she was the only one he wanted, how was else was she supposed to feel the moment she realized these things weren't true?

"So you have nothing to say about last night?" Joanna asked.

"I know I told you I wanted to get my act together," Julian began with his hands in his pockets. "I still do. I just slipped up," he said. "I made a mistake, I kissed some girl. But I wasn't drunk enough to risk losing you by doing anything else."

Joanna rolled her eyes. "I'm supposed to believe that's all you did?"

Joanna felt like an idiot for believing anything he said in the past six months they were together. After this was over, he'd probably move right to the next girl.

Julian let out an exasperated sigh. "Just know that regardless of how you feel about me, I'll still love you."

Joanna felt her stomach wind into knots. _Love? Really?_ She shook off her awestruck expression right as he slid a box out his pocket and handed it to her. She didn't want to accept another gift, but his pleading blue eyes destroyed every ounce of resistance she had.

When she opened it, she saw a slender fan. Unfolded, it revealed painted-on red cloth over little wooden fingers. It was delicately trimmed in black lace and seemed so fragile in her hand.

"It's from Spain," he said. "I was going to wait to give this to you."

Joanna bit back a smile.

"I just want you to be happy, Joanna." He took a seat beside her and fastened his eyes to hers in only the way he could. Every look he gave her either consumed her or deconstructed every built-up wall. "I don't want to hurt you."

**Julian**

It took Julian pouring out his heart to Vivian for his sister to finally come around.

"So you're telling me you really like her," Vivian said.

He sought her out after his drunken encounter with Joanna because he needed to know what to do.

"Yes, Viv, do you think I would go through this much trouble if I didn't?"

This was the first time he and his sister had sat on the dock in months. After how much grief they suffered, it felt eerily peaceful.

"And why should I believe you're not going to use her?" Vivian hunkered down beside him on the dock and dangled her feet from the edge. "All of a sudden you're just different?"

Julian let out a sigh. He couldn't really see himself with anyone else but Joanna these days. She was something special and he didn't want to mess it up.

"She makes me want to be different, Viv."

He couldn't really explain it, but she did. The night they made love changed everything. He wanted to see her smile, see her laugh, and make her happy. The stupid decision he made almost ruined that.

"You shouldn't drink, Julian." Tears started in Vivian's eyes. "I know mom being gone still hurts for you, because it hurts for me."

This was the first time they had said anything about it in months, and seeing her in tears made him want to cry too.

He pulled Vivian into his arms.

"Joanna really likes you, Julian."

"I made a mistake," he responded. "And you're right, I shouldn't drink."

A tear rolled down Vivian's cheek. "She's my best friend," she said, wiping away the tear. "If you hurt her, I'll make you pay."

"I won't, Viv."

It was the last thing he wanted to do.

**Joanna**

For a time, everything seemed perfect. Even though they still hid their relationship, Joanna felt completely content with Julian.

Over a year had gone by now and on his 18th birthday, Joanna asked her mom to help her make Julian a cake. Of course he was going to also have a huge birthday bash that weekend, but this was her personal surprise to him.

"That is really sweet of you, Joanna." This comment from her mom came with an oblique glance but thankfully didn't include a full-on interrogation. She got a lot of those lately. In fact, her mom seemed different altogether. She hovered over Joanna like a cloud.

When she wasn't hovering, she was having long conversations with the man of the household— Robert Bowers. If Joanna didn't know any better, she'd think they were sneaking around too.

"I know it's your favorite," Joanna said to Julian as she presented the cake that day. "Chocolate with fudge icing."

She sat the round cake and its dish on the island in their kitchen and passed a forkful to Julian.

"Mmm." He smiled as he stood eating the cake. "Thanks."

She took a bite from the same corner and looked up to see him staring at her.

"You got a little something on the corner of your mouth."

Joanna was about to wipe the icing away when he stopped her and kissed it off. He kept kissing her, even as the sound of her mother and Robert Bowers' voices grew louder. "Julian," Joanna said against his lips.

He pulled away what seemed like seconds before their parents appeared. There was an awkwardness in seeing each other that flowed between all four of them now. It was almost like they all had something to hide.

"Hey mom," Joanna said.

Her mother just gave her a hard look.

"Julian," Mr. Bowers said. He had on a navy suit and striped white tie. "Happy Birthday."

Julian said thanks but his attitude towards his father was still chilly. It'd been this way for months now.

"Well, I'm just going to go to my room and read now," Joanna said. Her heart was still racing from the fear that gripped her seconds before. "You should have some cake, Mr. Bowers."

Julian nodded. "Yeah, dad, you should have some cake." He then proceeded to follow Joanna right out of the kitchen.

"Could you be more obvious?" Joanna whispered as they walked out in the hallway.

"Ah, who cares, it's my birthday," he said, grabbing her by the waist and walking with her.

She giggled. "You're asking to get caught now."

"Maybe," he said, still holding her. "It'd definitely be a relief."

Joanna's smile faded a little. She didn't even want to think about her mother's reaction.

"C'mon," he said, taking her hand. Clearly Julian was still feeling gutsy because they wound up in her room, dressed down to tank tops and underwear. It was the most restrained they'd ever been. When he nibbled on her neck, she had to catch the yelp that flew from her mouth. When she ran her fingers over the ridges of his stomach, she had to cover his mouth to muffle his moan. Unfortunately, by the point they reached the bed, all caution went out the window. The fog of bliss she was in when he kissed her made her forget she was in her room, not his.

She could faintly hear her mother saying, "Joanna, are you there?"

A knock came as Julian mouth's moved from along her jaw back up to her lips.

"Joanna," her mother's voice said.

Then the voice sounded clearer and louder. "Joanna!"

She and Julian both looked over at the same time to see her mother standing at the door. Beverly's face twisted in anger as she yanked Joanna right out of her own bed. Julian just sat looking on speechless.

As she watched him, Joanna could feel the tears in her eyes. She knew, in that moment, their relationship was coming to an end.

**Joanna **

Joanna eyed her reflection in the mirror with approval. The gray skirt and blazer added flare to her curves, and the nude pumps looked perfect with the outfit. It seemed like not too long ago she was in her cop uniform or undercover in jeans and a t-shirt, chasing down perps. Now she was playing the role of an assistant to Robert Bowers. In addition to that, she was a house-guest in the Bowers mansion. It was a place of many firsts: her her first cigarette, her first kiss, and her first love, Julian Bowers.

Time hadn't just erased or diminished her feelings for Julian. In fact, when she saw him for the first time after 17 years, it took everything to hold it together. Joanna met many attractive men in her life, but Julian in his adulthood was a sight to behold. His crystal blue gaze, the little creases around his smile, and his perfect lips were just so enticing.

At first she tried to fight the feeling that was reeling her back into him, but then that changed. It took seeing her mother ailing from Alzheimer's to realize that these moments with Julian, despite the situation or the consequences, would be worth it. It would be worth the unbridled happiness she felt with him. Now things were just like they were when she was a teen.

She finished spraying on perfume right as Julian came out of her bathroom. He was wearing only boxer briefs. Joanna smiled at her view of him from the mirror.

As if on cue, he put on his undershirt and came up behind her at the full-length mirror. Joanna felt his warm lips on the back of neck, right above the collar of her shirt.

Before he could go further, she turned around. "It's your fault I'm late for work," she said with a smile.

"Well, actually," she began. "Both of our faults."

The eyes he gave her then was the very reasons she couldn't get to work on time.

"It's just my father," he said huskily. "You can blame me."

Joanna looked at him sidelong and pressed a kiss on his lips.

"Just one more time," he whispered in her ear.

"You will not make me even later," she said, showing resilience she hadn't managed the last two times. He pouted for a few seconds and then grabbed his white button-down from the bed.

"Guess we'd both better go," he said.

In flirtatious moments like these, Joanna could walk away with a smile on her face. Then she realized she was still lying to him and her heart burned inside with guilt.


	3. Chapter 3

**Joanna**

Being undercover was becoming increasingly difficult. There wasn't just Julian; there was Mia—or as Joanna liked to call her— mini-Vivian. The more time they spent together, the more attached she became. She had a knack like her mother for just knowing things.

"Where are you going?" Mia asked. She bounced down the stairs, stopping Joanna dead in her tracks at the mansion door.

"I—uh." Joanna couldn't even respond. Clearly her attempt to discreetly leave the Bowers estate that night had failed.

"Judging by your overnight bag, you're going to see Julian," Mia said, landing at the bottom of the stairs.

"No I'm not." Joanna squeezed her lips together and gave the strongest poker face she could.

"You suck at lying." Mia drew closer to Joanna. "You can't even hide that little smirk on your face."

Seeing Mia's knowing smile made it difficult for Joanna remain stoic.

"Look, it's not like you two aren't obvious," Mia said with a Vivian-esqe toss of her blond hair. "My brother," she began. "I mean—my _uncle, _"she began again,_ "_spends way more time here than usual."

"Well, I guess my secret's out." She could only laugh at the irony in her words. "I'm dating Julian."

"Worst-kept secret ever," Mia snickered, standing directly in front of Joanna as she continued her interrogation. "Are you hiding," she made quotation marks with her fingers, "Anything else?"

Joanna exhaled and gave a nervous 'Heh, heh' in response. "Well, see you tomorrow." Before she could ask any more questions, she waved and left out the door.

After about an hour driving into Manhattan to Julian's condo, Joanna was ready to settle in and forget everything. She didn't want to think about living with a murder suspect or the fact that Will desperately wanted info. She didn't want to soak in the guilt of hiding her identity. She just wanted to relax.

She couldn't have been happier that the first thing Julian greeted her with when she entered his condo was a glass of Cabernet. "For you," he said to her. He led the way to his couch and she sat down her glass on his living room table.

"Popcorn and a movie," she noted "Nice."

She wasn't really paying attention to what was on the television. She preferred the ambiance: the dimmed lights, the warmth, and Julian himself. It was a nice end to an emotionally taxing day.

As soon as she sat down, Julian started massaging her shoulders. "How is it that you're so stressed out when you're just an assistant?"

Joanna's shrugged as his hands tightened and rolled over her shoulders. She wanted to say that she was carrying the burden of being undercover and it was taking its toll on her daily. She wanted to say she felt pressure from Will for new evidence. She just couldn't verbalize these words.

"Being Robert's assistant keeps me busy," Joanna simply responded. He stopped massaging her and she took a long sip of her wine, drinking down her unspoken truth right along with it.

"You know, I never pictured you doing office work," he said.

Joanna had to admit that it wasn't her cup of tea. She toyed with the idea of becoming a lawyer while obtaining her Criminal Justice degree, but she eventually entered the San Francisco Police Academy shortly after college. It was a decision that she didn't regret; most days, at least.

"I thought we made a pact," Julian said with a smile tugging at his lips. "You'd be a cop and I'd be a doctor."

Joanna laughed but it was only to hide the nervousness she felt at him even saying the word cop.

"You'd make the sexiest officer ever," he said.

"OK, well that didn't happen."

"But what if it did." He lowered his voice. "I'd volunteer to be frisked."

Joanna laughed a real laugh this time and wondered whether she should change the subject or play along. If she revealed herself as a cop in that moment, he probably wouldn't believe her. Instead, she stifled the image of trying handcuffs in the bedroom and said, "I still really admire cops. They put their lives on the line." She leaned back against his chest and stared pass the TV at nothing in particular. "And then sometimes they have to hide things. . . keep secrets."

"Yeah, you've never really been good at that," he teased.

Why was this everyone's assessment of her?

"As I recall, neither of us was ever that good at that," she retorted.

"So how long are we going to hide this?" The stern expression Julian gave as he said this was totally unnerving.

"Hide what?" Her heart started to pound. There was no way he could know. Could he? Had he played along the entire time?

"This," he said, wagging a hand between the two of them. A smile cracked his stern expression and Joanna felt her breath return to her. The 'This' he spoke of was the least of her worries.

"Your sister is smart and nosy, like Vivian," Joanna stated "She knows, and Robert and Sophia will probably find out soon enough." Honestly Joanna was beginning to care less and less anyway.

"I don't know," Julian said, "My dad's always been oblivious to his own children."

The tension between he and Robert lately was almost as palpable as when he was a teen. It was partly why she spent more nights at Julian's.

"Neither of us is watching this," Joanna said. The DVD was still on the title screen and the bowl of popcorn had gone untouched. "I think I'm just exhausted." She stood up from the couch and stretched.

"You should get some rest then," he said, rising and collecting the wine glasses. He kissed her forehead. "See you in a few."

Joanna gave a relaxed smile. She preferred his bed at his condo to the one at the mansion; the king-sized mattress had a cloud-like quality. That and waking up to those insatiable blue eyes were both perks she'd allow herself for the next few hours. As she strolled down the hall, she thought of Julian and then of Mia. She didn't want to disrupt the easiness between them.

The idea of just coming clean didn't seem so daunting then. It could work, she thought. It could work without backfiring.


	4. Chapter 4

**Julian**

Julian's professional life became an endless stream of meetings. In the past three weeks he'd met with PR reps, local and international press, and crisis management consultants. Though he was determined to fix the damage done to his brand by the Lyritrol scandal, the throng of meetings just didn't help his sanity. To make matters worse, there was still an ongoing investigation into who kidnapped Mia and dumped her at an abandoned warehouse. The kidnapper apparently intended to keep her longer than 24-hours but got cold feet.

Julian agreed to work with the detectives who handled Vivian's case. They wanted to see if there was any connection between that and his niece's kidnapping. He and the FBI had already met once and he was down at headquarters again to do another interview about possible suspects.

"Late," he whispered, checking the Chopard watch on his wrist. By the time he parked in the garage and got down to the lobby, another 30 minutes had passed. It was a relief when he saw Detective Moreno just walking through the door himself. Then he caught sight of Joanna following close behind.

His heart did a dance just seeing her. She wore a tan trench coat over a black dress with black heels. Her dark brown hair draped over part of her face, but he could clearly see she looked troubled. He wanted to weave through the clutter of people passing through the lobby to greet her, but she and the detective were moving now. Julian was still within an earshot of their conversation as he stood out of view.

"What are you doing here?" The detective asked Joanna. Julian immediately didn't like his tone but decided he wouldn't flip out.

"I clearly have information for you," she said. Her voice told Julian that she could handle herself, but the detective's body language still made Julian tense up.

"Julian is somewhere around here," he said. "I have a meeting with him."

Joanna's face tightened with distress. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Julian's own confusion was the only thing that held him there. Joanna hadn't been enlisted like Julian to help with the case, as far as he knew, so he also wondered why she was there.

"Look," Detective Moreno began. "It won't be long before he finds out you're a cop anyway. You've blown your cover enough already."

She breathed a long sigh like she was attempting to keep her composure.

"Him finding out doesn't matter now." She glanced around her as if she was searching for someone. "I have information for you about Mia's kidnapper."

The detective huffed out a deep breath. "It'll have to wait until after I talk to your boyfriend."

Detective Moreno stormed off and Julian turned his face away. When he looked back, he saw Joanna walk in the opposite direction out through the doors of the headquarters.

Once she was gone, Julian staggered towards the wall and exhaled. He wanted to decipher the words and images he'd seen, but things just didn't make sense.

"Joanna's a cop," he said to himself. "She's a cop."

**Joanna**

Dealing with Will was a true annoyance for Joanna but she did so begrudgingly, for the sake of the case. Joanna wanted to tell him about a lead on Mia's kidnapper. They were almost certain now it was Wyatt; they just needed to find him. Will always let his jealousy blind him. He seemed to be holding this grudge against her. And he wondered why she didn't come crawling back to him. At least Julian understood forgiveness!

Joanna looked at her phone that evening and was shocked to see no calls or texts from Julian. It was unlike him. Even the calls she made to him on the way home from work had gone unanswered. Now she was beginning to really worry.

She pulled her silver Mercedes into the driveway of the mansion and considered for a moment whether she should stay there or go back to the city to Julian's condo. She bit her lip and stared pensively at her phone showing no missed calls. She stayed that way a few minutes longer and then drove her car out of the driveway to head right back down I-495.

Joanna checked in with the doorman at Julian's condo and was surprised that he was there. Well that didn't explain why he wasn't answering her calls. He apparently was, at least, willing to speak to her face-to-face since she was granted access upstairs.

When she got off the elevator leading out to his condo, she looked around and saw him just draped on his couch. His tie wasn't around his shirt and he was still dressed in slacks.

"Julian! What's going on? Why haven't you returned any of my calls?"

He got up and walked with an unstable gait towards her. "Joanna."

She took a deep breath and tried to assess his haggard appearance.

"You smell like a bottle of liquor," She said, cringing at the sour smell he gave off. "How much have you had to drink?"

"Not enough," he said, walking towards his kitchen.

Joanna felt entirely confused. Julian wasn't answering her phone calls and was sloppy drunk. This didn't spell anything good.

"Is it Mia?" She knew that besides work being hectic, he worried a lot about his niece. He didn't like that she had to stay at the mansion.

"What's wrong?" Joanna questioned, sauntering towards him at the counter. Julian had a bottle of brandy in his hand now that she took away and sat on the counter.

His eyes didn't connect with hers as she slipped an arm around his waist and reached a hand up to his face. "Tell me what's wrong."

He finally looked her in the face and there was this hurt expression that nearly destroyed her. "Is this part of your act too?"

"What act?" Joanna said, as he walked away. She stood in the kitchen completely distraught with worry. Did he know?

She found him in his bedroom and watched as he packed a bag with clothes.

"I have no idea what's going on, but I'm worried," she told him. She didn't want to just assume. She didn't want to think the absolute worse.

Julian swung his dark blue duffle bag over his shoulder and came up to her at the door of his room. "You lied to me," he said firmly. There was still that same hurt look in his eyes. "You lied about who and what you are."

He left Joanna right there speechless and holding back tears.


	5. Chapter 5

**Julian**

It wasn't his intention but Julian found himself at the mansion that night. He had a cab take him there and was still in a haze when he stumbled through the door.

Already he felt the guilt of his words to Joanna. He didn't even give her the chance to respond. But then again, why didn't she say anything to defend herself?

"Julian," his father said. "You look a little worse for the wear."

Julian didn't even bother responding and instead headed to the guest room upstairs.

He ran right into Mia when he reached the bedrooms.

"Whoa, too much booze for you," she said.

Julian wiped his tired eyes.

"I need to talk to you about Joanna," he said.

Mia stared at him with a raised eyebrow. "I already know you guys are together," she said with a smirk.

"Not that," he answered.

A look of confusion spread over Mia's face, but before Julian could say anything else, Sophia called upstairs.

"I'll be right back," Mia said.

Julian stood for a moment and then made his way to the guest room. Once he was there, the questions that had revolved in his head all day just continued. Why did Joanna hide that she was a cop? What did it have to do with Vivian's death or Mia's kidnapping? She clearly knew Detective Moreno through the case, but was it _her_ case too? And when did she become a part of the police? The craziness of it all really just made Julian want to pour another glass of Cognac.

As he laid down on the king-sized bed plushly decorated with velvet, the ceiling began to spin. To stop the spinning and the liquid welling in his throat, he closed his eyes. Within in a few minutes, he drifted right off to sleep.

It was a loud knock that woke him out of his sleep about an hour later. Had it not been for the distinctive sound of the knock, he would have thought it was his niece returning. But Julian knew this knock, and it wasn't Mia.

He wondered, at first, if he should just pretend to not be there. Clearly someone in the house had informed her that he was upstairs, but for all she knew, he could have left at any time.

"Julian," Joanna's voice said. "I really need to talk to you."

He sat slouched on the bed and then after another minute opened the door. Joanna came in calmly and closed it behind her.

"Yes, I'm a cop," she sighed. "And I'm about to tell you everything, so you'd better sit down."

**Joanna**

Julian was really in no state to hear all of her confession, but she needed to tell him before he spilled the beans to anyone else. Alcohol had a way of making people tell the truth, and she just couldn't risk it. Thankfully, he had seemed to sober up some, enough to grasp her story about leaving her first year on the narcotics task force in San Fran to aid the FBI with Vivian's case.

"So you volunteered for this?" Julian said. "To help find Vivian's killer."

Joanna, who sat next to him on the bed, shook her head. "I didn't volunteer. I agreed to help the FBI because I felt like I owed it to Vivian."

Julian let out a sigh. He still seemed uncomfortable, and she couldn't blame him. It was a lot to digest.

"Why didn't you tell me when they found Vivian's killer?" Joanna could hear indignation and mistrust in his voice and it drove her crazy. "Aren't you off the case now?" he asked.

Joanna took another deep breath, knowing then she was about to tell way more than permitted.

"Listen, what I tell you right now, I don't want you to tell anyone."

"OK," he said, with a confused, pained expression on his face.

"We're investigating a new suspect for Vivian's murder. It's not who you think, it's not-"

"Who is it?"

Joanna's shoulders slumped back and she stared up at the ceiling.

"I can't tell you that," Joanna said firmly. Her eyes reconnected with his. "That's the thing. Now that I've told you this, I can't give you any details about the case."

"Joanna, this..." he exhaled and rubbed his palm across his forehead. "This is a lot."

"Trust me, I wanted to tell you sooner," she admitted. "I wanted to tell you and Mia both sooner."

"I already almost told Mia," he told Joanna. "I'm glad I didn't now."

They sat in silence for a while and Joanna began to feel an even taller wave of guilt engulf her. Shouldn't this have been a relief? Maybe it was still seeing Julian look as though he'd been shot through the heart.

"Julian, I'm so sorry." Joanna said, moving her hand over his. "I never meant to hurt you and I hated lying to you."

He laughed quietly and slipped his hand away from hers. "Now I'm just trying to figure out what else was a lie."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

Julian's didn't even bother looking in her direction as he responded. "Is this a lie too?"

Joanna realized 'This' once again was their relationship. "Why would I do that to you?" Joanna asked, pleading without words for him to just look her in the eyes. "I've known you since we were kids. Do you think I could fake how I feel?" She tried again to touch his had hand and he let her keep it there. "What would I have gained?"

His gaze stayed into the distance as she said, "Regardless of how you feel about me, I'll stil love you."

**Julian**

Julian couldn't even believe she remembered those words.

"Wow," was all he could say. His eyes searched hers for a moment. "So it's all true?"

She nodded. "I've told you everything about me," she assured. "I just can't tell you about the case."

She moved closer to him and circled an arm around his waist. This time he just gave right in.

"How did you even find all of this out?" Joanna asked. He could sense then that the tension had seeped out of her. Joanna's shoulders went slack now as he held her, as though a huge burden had been lifted from them.

"I overheard you talking to Detective Moreno."

In the same instant, her whole body tightened right up as though something had pierced her. "

I can tell that you despise that guy," he said " I can't say that I like him either."

She stayed coiled up with tension for a minute and then relaxed again.

"I have to see him more than I like, because of the case," Joanna said. She didn't say whether she was actually working with him, but Julian didn't bug her about it then. He already couldn't stand him now, and it would just irritate him more for her to confirm that.

"So about Mia," Julian began. He wondered what they were going to do now. She was nosy and smart, just like Joanna had said.

"I don't think we should tell her either, Julian." She pulled away from him and gazed up at him with earnest brown eyes. "She's been through a lot and I just. . .I still need time to tell her."

Julian could understand. She'd been lied to enough in the past few months. Joanna telling her she was lying might send her over the edge.

"You can't say anything at all about this, Julian," she pleaded. "As far as you're concerned, I'm still just an assistant and you know absolutely nothing about the case."

Julian shook his head but already he felt the pressure of keeping such a huge secret. It would change every interaction they had in public. Now he had to pretend, just like her.

Julian took a deep breath. "I think I'm sober now," he said.

Joanna reached over and hugged him. "Yeah, please don't go on any more benders." She looked into his face and smiled a genuine, relieved smile and then pressed her lips softly against his.

For the briefest moment, he thought of when they were kids. He thought of her brilliant smile after she let him kiss her for the first time.

"Regardless of how you feel, I'll still love you too," he said.

**Joanna**

The next morning Joanna woke up curled next to Julian in bed in the Bowers guest room. She was dressed in the same sweatshirt and jeans as the day before.

"Julian!" Mia's voice yelled from outside the door. She knocked a couple more times and yelled again, "We never got a chance to talk."

There was another beat of silence. "OK, I'm gonna assume you're not alone in there-so I guess this is a bad time."

Joanna laughed to herself as she moved closer to Julian. He was knocked out on the pillow beside her. She shook the bed intentionally a few times just to see if he'd even wake up. Surprisingly, he was roused out of his sleep by the third time she did this.

Julian slid up into an upright position on the bed and just held the side of his head.

She let him wipe the sleep out of his eyes and then slid beside him. "Good morning, Julian."

He stared at her for what felt like ages. "So I didn't dream that."

Joanna shook her head.

"Officer Padget?" he said with a knowing smirk and, frankly, the sexiest hung-over voice she'd heard.

"Dr. Bowers," Joanna said, returning his smile.

* * *

_Thanks for reading everyone, and thank you for the lovely feedback! I signed the petition and will continue to support the show no matter what. Hopefully it comes back. In the meantime, I'd love to write another fan-fic so ideas would be cool._


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